Monty Python: Argument Clinic

Mr Vibrating (from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating I’ve told you once.
Man No you haven’t.
Mr Vibrating Yes I have.
Man When?
Mr Vibrating Just now!
Man No you didn’t.
Mr Vibrating Yes I did!
Man Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating Did.
Man Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating I’m telling you I did!
Man You did not!
Mr Vibrating I’m sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man Oh … Just a five-minute one.
Mr Vibrating Fine (makes a note of it; the man sists down) thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating Now, let’s get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
Man You did not.
Mr Vibrating Yes I did.
Man Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating Yes I did.
Man Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating Yes I did!!
Man Look, this isn’t an argument.
Mr Vibrating Yes it is.
Man No it isn’t, it’s just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating No it isn’t.
Man Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating It is not.
Man It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating No I didn’t.
Man Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating No, no, no, no, no.
Man You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating No, nonsense!
Man Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating No it isn’t.
Man I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating No you didn’t, you came here for an argument.
Man Well, an argument’s not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating It can be.
Man No it can’t. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating No it isn’t.
Man Yes it is. It isn’t just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man But it isn’t just saying ‘No it isn’t’.
Mr Vibrating Yes it is.
Man No it isn’t, Argument is an intellectual process … contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating No it isn’t.
Man Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating Not at all.
Man Now look!
Mr Vibrating (pressing the bell on his desk) That’s it. Good morning.
Man But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating I’m afraid it was.
Man No it wasn’t.
Mr Vibrating I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more.
Man What!?
Mr Vibrating If you want me to go on arguing you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man But that was never five minutes just now … oh Come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating I’m very sorry, but I told you I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid.
Man Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating Thank you.
Man Well?.
Mr Vibrating Well what?
Man That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating I told you I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!
Man I’ve just paid.
Mr Vibrating No you didn’t.
Man I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating No you didn’t.
Man Look I don’t want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay.
Man Aha! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing … got you!
Mr Vibrating No you haven’t.
Man Yes I have … if you’re arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man I’ve had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating No you haven’t.
Man Oh shut up! (he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in) I want to complain.